| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|07:55 pm] |
so yea, it's been a while
here's something to wake the dead:
Tell me your favorite sad songs
because i'm addicted |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|07:53 pm] |
many many things to tell...
hate pain im lost agian lost agian sent spirling down again
wandering down winding down
never been seen before? never been heard before.
i don't cry no more. have mercy. |
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| kill shopko |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|03:46 pm] |
so i was just stopped at shopko because they thought WE STOLD! Oh man it was lame i took the lady back to where i put my stuff back and stuff and she's like well you're lucky today because i was supposed to leave 5 minutes ago so i'm not going to call the cops....
What the fuck. that was lame. |
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| my rebuttle |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|03:09 pm] |
so you enjoyed me when i didn't lie? Well here's the truth, i enjoyed you when you didn't get caught up in what other people had to say. When the world was better tasted through the eyes of a visionary rather than a pescimistic teenage girl. I enjoyed the late night conversations and the truth behind our ramblings of sense and purpose. I lied to you because you lied to me and while that doesn't justify anything i'd just like to say i missed you either way.
No matter what
no matter why
I missed you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2005|10:53 am] |
will we ever stop this forwards backwards backwards forwards nothings ever right no ones ever wrong sense of living?
are we too absorbed in the lighted world of pain to experience origional pleasure? how often do we stop to hear the little things around us? Let the sounds wash over you like a wprld never experienced before. By the time we die we'll have already died 100 times before. Let this one be the best moment we have. Tomorrow isn't an answer, it's a question. HOw does every living thing die alone?
x |
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| My letter to the fucking editor (if thats what you want to call her.) |
[Sep. 7th, 2005|06:49 pm] |
| [ | no ever listens |
| |  pissed off | ] |
So here goes. How about we all grow up and stop living like thirteen year olds. It's really old. Did you really think i'd keep your things forever and never give them back? If you did you're a moron and i guess you never really knew me at all. It's sad really. What gives you the right to treat me like a fucking pile of steaming shit? Haven't i been the only friend who's sticked with you throught your fucking drug days and those boyfriends with the ficked up names? Haven't i been there for you when everyone else fucking left? I think it's sad that you're acting this way. I think it's sad that you'd throw a friendship away for a fucking fight you started and are keeping up.
Maybe you were done being friends with me.
Maybe it was too fucking bad for you to have me as a firend sticking up for you when all people do is talk shit about you.
Whatever it is you're being rediculas and i hope that everything you do works out for you because if this is the last thing you read from me it wont be any bullshit. I hate what you're doing, i hope you get your head straight and i hope you work to get what you want out of life.
SO thats it, it's up to you now. Make the decision but be prepared to apologize because you took advantage of our friendship. You odn't know when to stop sometimes.
You know where to reach me.
Lauren. |
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| do you really? |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|03:32 pm] |
| [ | no ever listens |
| |  complacent | ] |
Do you really believe that this is what is't all about? are you ready and willing to give in to a sense of feeling that's only half par? Are you waking up in the bed you wanted to be in? Are you failing to see you're failing miserably? Do you really believe your lies? are you lying in your own grave retracing your steps trying to figure out where you went wrong?
Are you really happy?
Do you really think it's all about the time we spend together? Or do you revel in time spent alone? Are you alone even when you're together? Where are the pieces of you? Where did you hide you're smile? Did you bury you're real thoughts of love? Did you give in to the sense of feeling no passion?
Why aren't you passionate anymore?
Why don't you scream that same beauty you want to feel so badly out to the world?
What's holding you back?
When did you give in to a fairly ok life when you could be living happy.
Do you remember what Happy is?
Are you really happy? |
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| good ol' september |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|03:25 pm] |
Im going to madison next week to start looking at apartments!!! WOO!
Yea, i'm totally excited. HOpefully we'll find a good apartment in a good neighborhood for a reasonable price. BUt duh, isnt that what everyone hopes?
ANyways, thanks to higher grounds coffee i offically hurt BOTH of my wrists. Hello carpal tunnel syndrome.
And....gotta go. |
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| so lets start at square one |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|12:43 pm] |
let every little thing fall apart. The nerves, the anxiety. None of that matters anymore. Let the excitment drive over you like a storm on a late sping night. Let your senses wash away every single tear you've ever cried. Let every compliment you've ever recieved re-live itself in your mind day after day after day. Take in the world, don't let the world take you in.
And then you're snapped back to reality. The wild way of life and living. The darkness that entraps so many of us every day. You' can't run far enough, you cant justify the thoughts. The only logical thought in your head is the one where tomorrow is no worry anymore. You've been trapped in a silent hollow, silently swallowing every bit of hate rage and pain the world has to offer you.
So lets start at square one. No matter how you word it, it's all coming back again. |
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| this is progress. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|01:29 pm] |
So i'm thinking of moving to madison.
More like planning it out. |
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| prophecies unchallenged |
[Aug. 11th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
my life is a crossed out book of pages
one line written free handed after another with no regrets until the world comes crashing in. Lately i havent been able to find that someone or something to properly occupy my time. my life is a fatal mistake. I don't really thing that, it's part of a punk song i wrote once. but it's true in some sort of way. It's the beauty in living, the uncertainty of the emotions or reactions of the people around us. the other night we went driving in the country. I hope that when i die i die at night so i can look up to the stars and remember that no matter how bad things got the stars were always the beauty held deep within our hearts, the unknown. The outside. the beautiful.
I'm working at the blue flame tattoo shop in rockford on Riverside and alpine. SO THAT MEANS YOU ALL HAVE TO COME AND SEE ME! thats means you hayley. and well of course anyone else who will come should come but i wanna hang out with hayley so there haha |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|08:46 pm] |
| [ | no ever listens |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
went to rockford yesterday, stopped by the Blue Flame tatoo place....got a new tounge ring
The guy that does tatoos there is beautiful...i don't care if he's 30 haha you can be beautiful at any age
I might get a tatoo on saturday :)!!!! It will be of my guitar right below the neck with stars that twist around it....if i decided that saturday is the day to do it of course.
Went to guzzardos and saw Lance T. Guitar extrodinaire Hes so freakin cool
and now i'm at my mom's thinking about something to do to about my dog because he has separation anxiety n pees on himself in his crate EVERYTIME I LEAVE i need help....help me
last night i had a horrible night. What with ryan threatening suicide and the whole tension of life living and the pursuit of silence. I cannot belive that we've come to this point even after being broken up for such a long time. i don't know what to do. i hate feeling to down on myself and such a distinct hatred for living when all he does is make me feel like shit by calling me a liar a bitch a slut a whore a lesbian a moron everything you can think of. I don't fuck every guy i see, i've fucked one in my whole lifetime. I don't go around drinking everynight i've done it a few times. I'm not dating anyone right now, he didnt see me several times with another guy driving around AND IF HE HAD IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN HIS BUSINESS AT ALL. but for the sake of reason here the truth is since we've been broken up he's called me and hurt me more than anyone else ever has. I don't want to be afraid to come home at night, i don't want to be afraid of him killing himself and blaming it on me and i don't want to be afraid of what he'd do to me. I'm on 18. I'm only living. I'm just wanting to start over now. I want to be away from him and all this that comes with.... |
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| And this is where you'll find me tomorrow after i get off work at noon |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|11:36 am] |
06/25/2005 11:00 AM - Belvidere- Wheels Fest
N. State St. Belvidere- after the bridge, Belvidere, IL 61008 - Free
June, 25 (downtown, outdoors) from 11am-9pm.
Belvidere Wheel Fest, Independant Artist stage.
Killing Abraham- 8:10-9:00
This Is The End- 7:00-7:50
Bikes Not Bombs- 6:00-6:40
Something Worth Dying For- 5:10-5:45
The Dying Hyms(formerly Hope's Anchor)- 4:20-4:55
intermission- 3:45-4:420
Egan's Rats- 3:10-3:45
The Knaves- 2:20-2:55
Killer Apathy- 1:30-2:05
The Gallows- 12:40-1:15
PUI- 11:50-12:25
Hastings Way- 11-11:35
Did someone say free? That's right folks come out and support your favorite local bands tomorrow at the belvidere wheels festival. There's no point not to! I'll be there enjoying hours of bands and fun hot summer heat. Er....
Well anyways, onward in our explorations....
July the 23rd is the date, i'm all set and ready for warped tour this year man. No heat stroke for me...plenty of water and fun lovin rockin out.
I'm sounding pretty lame, I know. But you see here, the point is that i don't care.
On the good news front my dad MIGHT be getting me a new chevy Cobalt 4 door sedan. WHOA! The 2 doors are snazzy but he's a dad and he looks for security and safety and the 4 doors are pretty flippin sweet too you know? dont know for sure if he's lying or not but i'll find out someday.
Been ok these past few weeks. Better. Met awesome people, one in particular. Parties, drinking, all around fun in the casa da lauren. The apartment is cool except for the jungle sarah says in living in her house downstairs. Kinda creepy if you ask me.
Sooner or later i'm going to get a laptop and be able to get online from the comfort of my own home instead of driving across town to my mom's house. :(
ONCE AGAIN THE GRADUATION PARTY IS NOT THIS SUNDAY AT HIGHER GROUNDS! IT IS AT MY HOUSE ON JULY 10TH! FOR MY ADDRESS EMAIL ME! ABERDEENF14@aol.com |
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| here we go |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|02:57 pm] |
as things have turned out in the past weeks i find myself full of interesting things to say and no time to do so.....
the apartment is awesome, i'm working on getting a laptop but until then mom's computer just got fixed today :)
LAURENS NEW GRADUATION PARTY IS ON SUNDAY JULY 10th AT MY HOUSE I WILL POST MY ADDRESS ON WEDNESDAY OR TOMORROW OR SOMETHING BUT IT"S NOT LONGER AT HIGHER GROUNDS.
THERE WILL BE FOOD DRINKS ALL THAT HAPPY CRAP SO COME OUT AND MAKE MY MOM HAPPY haha
anyways, with all the love imaginable i leave you with this:
If you were given one chance to right a wrong what would you change? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|08:22 pm] |
the thing is i'm not sure about anything anymore.
but things dont need certainty. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|10:03 pm] |
dear bright eyes,
things arent like they used to be. back when life was carefree.
i'm all confused, mixed up in ways i can't even explain. It's like my mind is clogged up. as if i'm walking down a long hallway towards a dark existance. with every step the fog grows thicker and all i can stand to concentrate on are the waves of thoughts drifting through my mind.
and as the steel bends and crunches into my own cage of sin and slander and the last breath is sucked from my lungs. I refuse to give into this shallow existance, i am melting away. another faceless person in a world of erased personalities.
hello happiness. where in the equation did it state that failing was the key. Where did it indicate my disapproval of all things. where did i check that i feel like running away every single day. This won't prove to be another story. i'm being something that i'm not supposed to be. i'm being led into a situation and point where everything i do is wrong everythign i say is tainted. i'm a selfish bitch. I don' t want to think about anything anymore. i wan to rewrite my entire life into a short simple and sweet one way story of a girl misguided and over. apathy has drained me of my respect for myself. I am a feather, drifting farther and farther into a windmill of disaster. i've left my fingers bloody trying to scratch myself into new skin.
theres nothign left to say. i write with love and a gun to my head.
you'll never be as happy as you are now. |
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| cant think of what to say can't think of what to do |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|09:00 am] |
well my sister is in madison, todays her tests and byopsy thing
i have a dentist appt for my wisdom teeth
i'm looking at prom dresses with my #1 homie amanda
dinner with dad if he feels he can skip his meeting for some time with me
I'm about to do some cleaning in this house cause i watched the kids last night and got home from work and the house was a mess...so they're going to keep it clean today by golly!
heres to hoping, wishing, and praying that everythings going to be ok. Everything really is. I hope. |
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| my puppys got the hiccups |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|08:32 am] |
i had a really bad day yesterday. The kind of days where you'd like to have a disappear button half way through so you can erase it from yourself completely.
got into a huge fight with ryan. then i go to higher grounds to get a banana shake to brighten up my day and started crying and my mom started crying telling me about my little sister and how she has a "mass" growing on her lymph noid right above her heart and they have to do a byopsy some time in the next 5 days.
Then i go to work and there is 70 patients in the hospital and i end up getting done around 3 and sitting around reading until 7:30 it was bores ville
but the good part of the day was going with saah to happy joes and getting pizza and texas toast and bringing back giant cinnamon rolls for my brothers and lindsey
i gotta shower like no ones business. |
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| and everything repeats slowly. over and over. |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|03:38 pm] |
| [ | no ever listens |
| | sad | ] |
as i sit here blank of expression, wiped of all forms of happiness and wonder i contemplate whether or not i should have listened to her. I should have listened to what she said, i did listen. i am not myself. i don't even know myself. i love him i will probably always love him but i can't be happy with feeling like i do. I can't be happy when i know you're not. I can't make you happy when i don't know myself. I wish i could i wish every day could be like last night when i wake up from a bad dream and you're there telling me it'll be alright. I want every day to be like california. I wanted to be there with you. I never thought i'd turn out to be this person who makes you unhappy every single day and as much as you'd like to disagree i never once wanted to be that person. I never wanted to make you scream, i never wanted to make you cry, i never wanted to hurt you in any way and i see that i have and it kills me inside. I've never wanted to run away so much, get away from every single problem in front of me. I've never wanted to close my eyes and wish it was all a dream so bad in my entire life, not our relationship but the turn it took. I cannot be perfect, in fact i'm far from it but when i look at myself i do not see perfection i do not see beauty i see a person who needs a lot of fixing up and it's not that i'm not trying, i'm trying every damn day to find a new me a me that is a better person, a better thinker, a better listener, a person who can make things even just a little better or express emotions in a non sarcastic way. i wanted things to be easy but couldnt see myself clearly enough to take responsibility for my actions. and when the realization hit my face I never wanted to cry so hard. And when i drove my car down endless streets crying my eyes out so hard i couldnt see all i could think was you promised you'd never hit me. You promised i never had to be afraid of you. You promised and thats a bigger deal that me promising i wouldnt fall asleep at your house. That's a bigger deal because it hits harder, it hits down deep to the heart. I should have never broken my promise to you but your promise to me will forever be broken. I'm sorry i'm such a horrible hypocrite. I'm sorry i disappointed you but i love you and i promise i will love you forever. that's a promise i will never, ever break.
all i ever wanted was to be happy with someone who was happy with me.
now tears are on my pallet, being painted red and black. I've convinced myself i was indestructible. Now that ive realized the truth it's the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. |
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| All apologies... |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|11:46 am] |
"If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got."
Kurt Cobain
1967-1994 |
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